Gentlemen,
Here is the site I promised you. Please post your stories here, and feel free to make comments. Please keep in mind, while you are making comments, consider the basic elements (Character, Setting, Problem, Solution) of a story we discussed in the class. Please also look at themes and conflicts, and post your suggestions to improve the stories. Another aspect that you should consider is 'connotation,' carefully look at the vocabulary, and suggest synonyms that can create a more dramatic effect.
The Battle of Newerth
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time, far far away, in the land of Newerth, the battle between the evil side “Hellbourne” and the legion for the glory and honor of conquering the whole land.
The battle started basically for one reason, Maliken, the leader of the legion, joining the Hellbourne side. He was brain washed by Puppet Master, a deceiving member of the Hellbourne. The crisis had triggered the legion side to rush for their leader because without him, they would face genocide. The battle had begun with Jereziah, the wise man and the healer of the legion, ordering the soldiers to rush and fight for their leader. Both sides sat the battlefield to be right at the river which separated both sides with the horn sound as a mark to start the battle. The only way to win was by surrendering or destroying the city. After the horn sound launched through the air, the battle had begun.
Brutal fights lasted for months, the battle was going on and on with no clear advantage for anyone. With both sides bringing all what they got, even the high-ranked general stepping in, there were no clear sign of which sides would be victorious. Neither side showed any sign of surrender. Something or someone had to do something to this thing over. After days, with a slight advantage for the Hellbourne getting spirit from the dark side, it allowed them to get an advantage over their enemy.
At the end, the Puppet Master had an evil idea of using Maliken to kill his own side. With that, they were able to defeat and kill Jereziah. His death lifted the immunity of the legion which allowed the Hellbourne to do genocide and win the battle and the land, with all the legion being whipped out. The evil side had won and they were victorious.
Waleed Sawad
433106122
A couple of spelling mistakes but it is a good story nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteYazeed Al-Salem
433105383
No spelling mistakes man , please !
Delete"Newerth , Hellbourne , Maliken ,Jereziah " are just made up names.
Yazeed, please quote the words that are not spelled correctly.
DeleteThe Brave Knight Caboose
ReplyDeleteThe story took place in the kingdom of Larnia. An evil wizard named Baddy attempted to set the land a blaze by sacrificing a noble blood to open a portal to the dark realm and unleash an army of dark evil creatures.Of course,the easiest and most classic is the princess and so it happened.The kingdom was in jeopardy and the king announced that whoever saves his daughter Diana would be his heir to the throne,but nobody had the guts to face the powerful evil wizard Baddy.The king was very sad and he almost gave up when a skinny tall knight shouted out:"I will slay the evil wizard Baddy and save the princess Diana" everyone else looked at him and laughed thinking:"How can this skinny man defeat the powerful wizard Baddy,he is a moron",but the king had to believe in him and said:"If you saly Baddy and save my daughter you will be my heir to the throne"and so the journey to save the kingdom began.
The knight needed to go through the dark forest to reach his goal.When he entered the forest he was attacked by a giant,but Caboose quickly dodged it and climbed on the giant's back and plunged his blade deep into the giant's throat,killing him in an instant.
Caboose resumed his journey to Baddy's tower and arrived at a swamp,but it was no ordinary swamp it was a poisonous swamp.Caboose needed a boat to cross the swamp but he couldn't find any.He thought about making a raft instead but he didn't have an axe to chop down some trees.Luckily the giant that attacked him earlier cut down some trees when he swung his big sword in an attempt to cut Caboose in half.Caboose tied the logs together using vines and made his way through and reached Baddy's tower at last.
Caboose thought that he should strike Baddy down when he is vulnerable.The knight circled around the tower searching for a way to sneak inside and he found a window on the other side.He thought he could climb up to the tower with the vines he brought with him from the forest.Sadly he didn't have a hook-like tool to attach the vine to the window.While he was thinking about it a lady's crying can be heard from the window.It was princess Diana's voice,the knight attempted to get her attention by throwing a stone through the window and it worked.The princess looked down from the window to see a skinny tall knight waving for her.He introduced himself to her and asked her to do what he said.He tied the vines to a rock and threw it to Diana;she grabbed the vines and tied it to a pillar in the room,he climbed up the vines and entered through the window.Diana was relieved that someone came to her rescue,but time was of the essence.She told him to hide behind the door of the locked room and wait for the opportunity and stab the evil wizard in the heart.The knight quickly hid behind the door with his blade drawn.When Baddy entered the room to grab the princess the knight immediately plunged his blade into Baddy's heart,ending his life instantly.Caboose returned to the kingdom with the princess.The king welcomed them with wide arms and made Caboose his heir to the throne,but Sadly Caboose died before he was made king of Larnia.
Yazeed Al-Salem
433105383
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteNot that it's those:
ReplyDelete1."high-ranked generals" NOT "general"
2."which side" NOT "sides"
oh and I found a third one XD
3."wiped out" NOT "whipped out"
Waleed Sherif - 433107194
ReplyDeleteThe Spirit in You
Eric, a 26 years old man from Ohio who grew up with his parents, was living in California. His parents adopted him when he was a baby, and he had no brothers or sisters. He used to draw a lot and he loved arts, but he was not good in math or science. He had gray eyes, light brown hair and fit body figure just like his father, even though he was adopted. Eric's parents were rich, which made him grow up as a spoiled kid. He always had what he wanted and he never had to work for anything he wanted. He had his room in which he hanged all of his drawings in. However, one day, his father died when his company lost all the money and Eric had to start his own life, with no one's help. He decided to move to New York. And since he was very bad in his studies, he didn’t get good marks in either college or school, which made it even harder for him to find a decent job. He decided to work as a waiter in a small Italian restaurant in a busy suburb, or in other words, he had to.
Joseph, the owner of the restaurant which Eric worked in, was an Old Italian man who owned the restaurant after his father passed away. "C'mon you idiot, what you doing there! Grab your apron and get to work! Stupido ragazzino1!" this is what Eric heard the first day in his new job; it was not a good start.
Eric didn’t know much about life, he didn't know how hard it could be or what he might face. Since he was a kid, he used to quit at the very first struggle that he faced in anything he wanted to do. After the first day of his new job, Eric had to go to his room and get some sleep. He didn’t have enough money; this is why he had to settle with a room with just a bed, a window, a toilet and a sink. It was so small. Ceilings weren't high either, the door squeaked and was barely standing. Walls were dirty with drawings and writings everywhere. The room smelled like an old dirty barnyard. The windows were broken and dirty and he was not able to close them and the cold winter winds made it harder for him to sleep. Eric had nothing with him except his drawings, which he decided to hang right up on the ceiling so he could look at them all night when he went to the old bed which could barely hold his weight, and this was his first night in the busy city of New York. The sun rose up in no time and finally he was able to feel something warm, but he was also sad because he had to quickly go to the restaurant again since he lived very far away from the restaurant. He had to go back to work where no one even talked to him, and all what he could hear was the owner shouting at him saying "Stupido ragazzino!"
After two months of this tough mean work, he decided to find another job. Unfortunately, he had to work in a grocery store at night with another man. This was what he could find. At least he was now away from the cold lonely nights in his tight, small, smelly room. For Eric, Allen, the man who worked with Eric in the grocery store was the first man in the city who treated him nicely. However, Eric couldn't stand the pain and the hunger. One quiet night, Eric had to walk all the way to the grocery store because he didn’t have any money to ride the bus. The grocery store was in an old neighborhood, which was scarily quiet that night. Nothings except the sounds of a car passing by every here and then and the dogs barking out of nowhere. He walked and walked, he couldn’t stop himself from being scared since he was not used to all of what he was facing now. Finally, he reached to the grocery store. Allen and Eric were talking when Allen said to Eric to go meet a guru called Kishor, who was known for his wealth and wisdom in life.
"Just go Eric, you won't lose anything. And hey, I will cover you up tomorrow night so don’t come tomorrow if you want" said Allen.
"A-Alright, I will go tomorrow" Eric murmured in a very low voice.
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Eric finally decided to go to the guru. The next day came, he was really excited and he was dressed up like a little kid excited for a trip. He went to the guru's house. "Excuse me sir, where can I find Mr. Kishor De-Devaa" "Devaraja, I am Kishor Devaraja" said an old man with a very deep voice.
Delete"Yes son, how can I help you?" said the guru.
"I… I came to you to ask you about some things, actually, it is just one thing" said Eric in a petrified voice.
"I want to get money, I want to have plenty of it, I came to you because I heard that you are wealthy and known for your wisdom so if you could tell me how can I be like you I would really be happy", said Eric very quickly yet in a scared tone.
Two minutes passed, the guru said nothing at all. Just before Eric was going to talk again, the guru said to him "you want to make money my son?"
Eric directly answered "yes, yes I do you just tell me wh--".
"Alright, I will meet you tomorrow at 4 A.M by the beach, if you want to make money, my son."
"Okay, I will meet you by the beach at dawn sir, thank you, thank you", Eric replied in a very astounded tone.
Night came over, yet Eric couldn't stop thinking. "What are we going to do at the beach? I told him I want to get money; I don’t want to be a lifeguard. This man is crazy, he's making money but he's crazy. What are we going to do at the beach?" He kept talking to himself all night, laying on his old bed, with the drawings on the ceilings, the window moving from the wind and the door as noisy as a little kid. Before he noticed it was dawn, he got up and got dressed, he even borrowed a suit from Allen to wear that day. He went all happy wearing the suit and thinking that he was going to get money, he didn't know that had to wear shorts.
In no time, he was there at the beach. The clock was ringing 4 in the morning, no one was there, and everything was dark. Nothing except the sea and Eric and he could hear nothing except the sound of the sea before him. He got nervous and scared again. When suddenly out of nowhere in the dark, a deep voice slowly said "So you really came my son." Eric was scared just like a little kid, he had no idea what was happening, or what was going to happen.
"Yes Mr. Devaraja, I, I came, I want you to tell me your secret" said Eric.
The guru answered back, "Alright my son, come with me, I will tell you my secret, and I will show you how to get money, and be successful."
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They walked slowly toward the dark sea, Eric had no idea what is going to happen, and that terrified him. "Get into the water" said the guru while he was looking cuttingly in Eric's eyes. "Okay" said Eric.
DeleteHe got in the sea till the water was only ankle deep. "Go further" said the guru. Eric started thinking that this guru was seriously crazy. He was scared and he started thinking about going home and finding another guru. Eric went till the water was waist deep, and the suit became wet. The freezing water made it even worse. "Go further" said the guru again. Eric started walking in the water, barely breathing from the freezing wind and the ice cold water. His heart beating very quickly terrified from what was happening. He went till the water was almost to his shoulders. "Go further my son" said the guru while he was smiling. This was when Eric lost his nerves. He took three steps more. The water reached till his mouth and that was when he ran back to the sea shore. "I thought you wanted to make money!" said the guru in an enraged tone. "Yes I do!" yelled Eric. Then get back to the water. The guru went all the way with Eric in the freezing sea. Eric was shivering from the cold winds. And once the water reached Eric's mouth again, the guru hold Eric's head and pushed it down in the water as if he was drowning him. Eric thought that the guru was really crazy and he wanted to kill him, he started fighting back hitting the legs of the guru and trying to push him away but the guru kept holding him down. After a minute, he released him. Eric quickly raised his head and took a quick breath for his life since he almost drowned in there. The guru asked him, "What did you want to do when you were down there?" "What did I want to do? I wanted to breathe!" yelled Eric while he was shivering from the cold.
The guru then looked at Eric in the eyes and said, "Exactly, you just wanted to breathe. You wanted to breathe so badly. You didn't care about anything else. You didn't quit trying to get some air. You will never succeed in your life, until you want to succeed as badly as you wanted to breathe down there! You think it is easy to get money? I came here with a very little amount of money in my pocket. I slept in the streets for three years I had no home but look at me now. I didn’t quit! I kept trying as hard as I could! I stood in front of my pain and I didn’t quit! You quitted when water reached your mouth only! You couldn't bear some pain. Listen to me son, the pain is temporary, it may last for an hour, or a day or even a year, but eventually it will subside. If you quit however, it will last forever. You don’t want to be rich, you don’t want money so bad, you just kind of want it. So if you want to make six fingers you can't just be talking about making six fingers. You must not rest, you must not quit until you reach what you want. You didn’t care about anything when you were down in the water, you just wanted to breathe, you didn’t care about money or being cold or having some sleep. You might love sleep more than success. Sometimes you will have to stay up three days in a row because if you fall asleep you might miss the opportunity to success. Go out there son, fight for your dreams and you never quit."
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Eric walked home in his wet suit, water dripping from his sleeves, in the cold night and the dark suburbs of New York. He felt that he had a whole new life in front of him. He woke up the next day, in the same awful room, on the same rock hard bed with no pillows or blankets, with the same windows and doors, with his drawings on the ceilings, but with a huge smile on his face, and the spirit in his heart to go out there and seek what he wants no matter what or who stands in his way.
DeleteYears passed, and Eric became one of the very famous chefs in New York. He learned cooking after he went back to work in the mean, tough restaurant. He slowly gained money and saved it. He bought himself a new apartment with perfect doors and windows, then a new house with a beautiful pool and a garden. He kept drawing and improving his arts that people started buying it from him. He worked in the grocery store for a while, but he stopped when he bought himself his own restaurant. All what he had to do was not quit. He had always been so close from making his life better but he always quitted. He had the ability in him to change his life and make it better. He was just missing the spirit and the will.
1.Stupido Ragazzino: Italian for stupid kid.
________________________________________
The End
Waleed Sherif
ID: 433107194
Waleed Sawad about your story I think you should tell us more about "the puppet master" because he is a main character and what do you mean by saying "with a slight advantage for the Hellbourne getting spirit from the dark side", I think it needs more details.
ReplyDeleteThank You. :)
Waleed Sherif your story is quiet good.I couldn't find any weaknesses.I salute you. :)
ReplyDeleteYazeed, I would like you to look at the stories more closely and be critical in your comments, make concrete suggestions to improve the stories.
Delete@yazeed .. think as you like .. I "should" not tell no more ... check Google please !!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGenesis
ReplyDeleteOn a planet, in the outskirts of a faraway galaxy, there was a race called The Shade. They were one of many races that were able to master their Aura. Aura is the physical strength, mental and spiritual energy combined all together. As many of the races that were able to think logically, theere were some disputes on how to use this power. Resulting in The Shades evolving into two races.
One, was The Destroyers. They had an aggressive flow in their Aura, and were more prone to rage and destruction than the other race.
Second, was the Guardians. They have a more calm flow in their Aura, and they were a more peace oriented race.
Meeting
Through many negotiations and wars, one Destroyer and a Guardian fell in love with each other on the battle field.
The Twins Birth
Through the parents love, the twins were born.
First, a boy with silver hair and a shining golden eye that was the first time that was seen in their race. They named him Xion, after their great grandfather, who was a strong Destroyer. Little did they know about Xion’s true abilities.
Second, was a lovely girl with silver eyes. They named her Xena. Not after anyone, just because it had the same first letter like Xion, which was an x.
A Poisoned Sister
The twins were not very keen on fighting, but they had fun training with their parents because it brought the family together. Xion mastered The Martial Arts while Xena became a sword master. As time passed, the twins powers grew. One day, Xena started coughing blood while she was training with Xion. Xion was worried because it was the first time that Xena spilled any blood. She told Xion not to worry as she went to her room. As days went by, Xena’s coughing increased, and her skin became pale. The parents needed no more reason to call for Xion’s friend Luise, who was a master at the healing arts. After a thorough analysis she told Xion and his parents that Xena’s body became poisoned after being exposed to Xion’s Aura for so long. As the parents wondered why they did not get poisoned them selves. She answered that because of the parents participation in the old wars they develop a nearly immune body against outsiders harmful Aura. Making them immune to the negative side effect of Xion’s Aura.
...Continue
ReplyDeleteA Journey To Begin
As Xena had been coughing. Xion was asking Luise for a way to save his sister. Luise told him that there were many ways, but those ways were dangerous, and might kill her in the process. She told Xion to wait while she look in the old archives for a way to save her without putting her life in danger. As Luise was looking. Xena was struggling and coughing, and Xion was crying and blaming himself for signing Xena’s death certificate. As days went by, they felt like months or years for Xion. Then, Luise came with a save solution for Xena, but might be dangerous for Xion. feeling guilty for Xena’s illness, Xion gave no thought and accepted. Luise told Xion of an ancient ruins that contained some of the hardest trials that, if finished, would clear Xion from releasing the negative side effect, and he would be able to fully control his Aura.
An Ancient Ruins
As Xion was standing right at the front gate. He was readying himself for the trials ahead as Luise had told him that there were many trials that lies there, but not all needed to be succeeded in order to cleanse his Aura. Just when Xion opened the front gate he felt a strong ominous vibes. His whole body was shaking in terror. For the first time in his life Xion felt fear. He knew what does it mean to be scared, shaking and not being able to move. He felt like a coward. So, Xion thought about his dying sister, and decided that if he was the one that was killing her. The least he could do was to heal her. So, he entered the ancient ruins. Fearing what lies ahead.
The First Trial: The Trial of Wisdom
Xion has entered the ancient ruins, and was met with the first trial. In it was a trial to choose which of the doors was the right one to enter. Xion struggled for a bit. Then, he figured out the trick. The right door has a shadow while the others did not.
The Second Trial: The Trial of Heart
The moment Xion entered the second chamber. The door behind him has been shut down, and Xion was engulfed in darkness. Without understanding what had happened, Xion struggled to move and get away from this darkness. Alas, he fell on the ground paralyzed, and shocked.
In The Heart of Darkness
In the heart of darkness there was only fear and nightmares. No one could hear you. No one could help you. There was no way out. Either fight and parish. As there is no way for one to defeat it. Or either to accept it, and be tainted and corrupted by the darkness for the rest of one’s life. For Xion, it was basically die now or later. With not much of a choice in between. Xion accepted the darkness, and the life with the nightmares for the rest of his life. One might ask how did this help Xion cleanse his Aura. One will say that the journey was not to cleanse his Aura from darkness. It was to cleanse it from the negative side effect that it was releasing. Second, and probably the most important reason is that life does not always give one what he seeks. Sometimes life gives more, sometimes life gives less and sometimes life gives something completely different, and that was what happened to our main character.
Trials to Remember
When he woke up Xion was able to see the world differently. He was able to see the flow of his Aura, and the flow of his surroundings. Seeing visions, an aftershock of his second trials. Xion knew that these were the nightmares Xion have accepted. It was clearly memories that Xion will not soon forget as it will shape the rest his life. Having felt like he completed what he came here for. Xion left with a new resolve, and eyes that were able to see the world clearly.
Continue...
...Continue
ReplyDeleteA Sister Saved
Xion rushed back to help his sister. Xion found Luise waiting in the house to guide him through the process. The process was a success as Luise nodded with her head. Xion felt joy and happiness as what he had been through has paid of. Xion feeling tired from his journey went to sleep. Luise decided to do a final checkup before she leaves. Luise was shocked as it appears that the treatment left Xena with an unexpected amnesia, as Xion went to sleep. The nightmares that Xion was promised appeared, and the darkness awakened.
Fine.
Yazeed Al-Salem, your story is quite interesting; however, I have found some things that you should take notice of.
ReplyDelete1- I see that the knight, so called "Caboose" which is kind of an important character or a main character in the story is not very well described. I see that you could add things such as what does he look like exactly? What are his characters (such as brave, determined)? Also, you might consider introducing the name of the character Caboose at the beginning when you first mentioned him not after he started his journey makes the reader confused for a moment.
2- Also, the setting of the story is not well described too, in example, the dark forest mentioned in the second paragraph, the kingdom mention in the first line of the first paragraph as well as the swamp mentioned in the third paragraph. It would have been more interesting if you added some details about how the forest looks like since you mentioned "dark" forest. You kind of left the readers hanging thinking what does dark mean, is it not lit or is it kind of a scary old forest.
3- The last paragraph is interesting but the conclusion might be better if it was separated in another paragraph and you could also add some details such as how the kingdom felt after the death of Baddy, what was the king's reaction, and some other details. Also, you could mention how Caboose died keeping in mind he is the main character.
4- For the grammar and punctuation errors;
a) In line number 4 the word "is" can be changed to "was", considering using past tense in the last word of the same sentence.
b) In line number 8, consider placing a period before the word "everyone".
c) In line number 9, consider placing a question mark after "Baddy" and capitalizing "he".
d) In line number 17, you should consider writing "arrived to" not "arrived at" because arrived "at" is usually said for mentioning time, such as arrived at six o'clock.
e) In line number 28, consider replacing "can be" with "was". I would prefer changing the sentence to: While he was thinking about it, he heard a lady's crying from the window.
f) In line number 29, I would prefer replacing the comma after "voice" to a period and capitalizing "the".
g) In line number 30, consider replacing the word "through" with the word "at".
h) In line number 31, consider replacing "to see" with "and saw".
i) In line number 33, there is some kind of contradiction, you used "vines" which is plural and referred later with the pronoun "it" which is singular.
j) In line number 38, consider placing a comma after "princess".
5- For the spelling errors, in line number 10, "saly" should be changed to "slay".
To sum up, the story is very interesting, could be more interesting with the corrections suggested above and consider the grammar and punctuation errors mentioned above too. Otherwise, it is an excellent story Yazeed.